The Relational Quotient

Ask someone today to share something about their life.  

You might pose the question in terms of their career, "Tell me how you ever ended up doing what you're doing today?" Or you might be prompted to ask a more probing question like, "Could you share with me the things that have led to your deep commitment to God?"

Questions are the ultimate compliment.  Whenever you ask anyone a question you are suggesting that they have information you don't have . . . and that you sincerely would like to know.  I'm convinced we don't ask enough questions.  Most of us live like we have all the answers and we would rather not confuse the issue by getting unwanted input. 

I love to hear the stories of people.  They often report events that directed aspects of their life experience, they will frequently refer to the "timing" of circumstances that have affected them, and they will always talk about people.  

And it's the people part of it that enthralls me.  I can't seem to get enough of the people stuff.  I ask them to tell me more about what these people said, how they acted, and what it was about them that had such a dramatic impact on their lives.  It's incredibly interesting to me.

We are relational.  All of our decisions, for good or for bad, have been impacted by others. Paul built a relationship with Timothy and poured himself into Timothy's life.  Timothy heard what Paul had to say about critical issues of life and faith, he watched him relate to others, and emulated (I'm sure) much of message and behavior of his beloved mentor. 

At the end of his life Paul writes to Timothy.  It's his last written communication and one that speaks to his passions more precisely than any letter he wrote.  His admonition to his disciple, "The things you have heard from me that have been confirmed by many witnesses, the same (things) commit to faithful men that they might be able to teach others also" (2 Timothy 2:2).

I have spent the greatest portion of my life coming alongside passionate people who feel called to fulfilling God's calling on their lives.  They want to leave a legacy, something that will continue to fulfill God's work long after they've gone. 

In the next several weeks I will be writing a series of articles on "relational development."  I'd like to share with you a relational continuum and the logical steps that lead to the kinds of deep commitments so essential to ministry success.  Hopefully the thoughts would do more than tickle our ears.  I would hope they might move us to action and enable noble causes to achieve success.

Two Wrong Assumptions We All Make!

I've learned this the hard way.

In the course of the nearly 40 years I have worked in this incredible field of organizational development, I've had occasion to talk to thousands of people about very important things. And occasionally I leave these meetings thinking that I hit a home-run.  I return to my office to respond to the inevitable questions, "Well, how did it go?"  I proceed to ramble on about how effective I felt my presentation was and my personal certainty that the encounter would result in the desired response.  

When nothing happens, I begin to second guess myself.  Was I really that bad?  Could I have missed something when all the signals they gave in word and gestures seemed only to confirm my belief that they really were impressed?  What went wrong?

After analyzing too many of these kinds of encounters, I have come to the conclusion that there are two assumptions we all make in development and both of them are terribly wrong.  

The first of these assumptions is that when we say something everybody just "gets it!"  Our incredible communication skills were so good that they picked up on every nuance, every word was understood, and the underlying message was crisp, clear, and totally comprehended.  Now if you believe all of that the one thing I can be certain of is that you've never had a teenager live in your home!

People just don't get it.  We paint vivid word pictures, create precision diagrams on the back of place mats, and share scores of powerful anecdotes to confirm our message.   We've concluded that there is simply no way anyone could possibly have missed something this obvious!  It's altogether too much like the child who acts without consideration to warning after warning delivered in countless ways over several years and who looks totally mystified when asked, "how could you ever have done that?  If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times not to!"

People just don't always get it.  In fact, the rule of thumb needs to be, they probably didn't!

But the next assumption is just as critical and developmentally even more devastating.  Let's just assume, for the sake of keeping this little article interesting, that they did get it.  The second assumption we make that is totally invalid is that even if they do, you can't assume that they will expend the energy to try to figure out how to deal with what you just told them!

There's simply too much going on in everyone's life, too much competition for attention!  The individuals we talk to are bombarded by all kinds of messages and most of them have "turned off" and refuse, not out of indifference or irresponsibility, but out of necessity because the brain simply chooses to process so much information.  

I've changed my approaches to accommodate what I probably knew (that these assumptions did indeed exist and are true) and begin to change my approach in talking with others.  Here are just two ideas:

1.  Make sure, regardless of what you are asking for and how significant or insignificant you perceive it to be, that you provide someone with something they can take with them.  It may be a personalized proposal, a brochure that goes into detail describing what you said, or evidences of validation of the message you sought to communicate. 

2.  After you've stated your case, conclude with a statement like this, "I hope that what I have shared with you this afternoon has stirred your heart.  Let me share with you 5-6 ways you can be a part of what is happening in our organization."  Then list, on a card that they can take away, various options from which they could choose in acting upon the vitally important message you shared with them.  Encourage them to think about what you shared with them and return the card after considering whether or not they would like to participate in someway with you.

Development is a continuum.  You want people to make decisions on your behalf (you want them to say "yes"), keeping the door open for even deeper and more satisfying relationships. Your encounters are not an end in themselves, they are a string of encounters that over time can be used to build your organization to what you envision it could become.  

Is There Such A Thing as a "Good" Fund-Raiser?

Annual fund-raising events have long been a staple in organizational development.  

There is an innate need we all have to do something.  I remember my dad walking into a room where I was allegedly at work.  He looked at me and gave me some advice, "Hey, if you're not going to work that's one thing.   But at least look busy!"

I'm not thinking that was necessarily the best thing he could have said to me. I was young enough to take it to heart and it has been something, quite frankly, that has stuck with me. Somehow I learned to equate activity with success.  I had it all figured out, if I could work longer and harder than anyone else, if I could travel further and be exposed to more people and projects than the average guy, then I would be successful.  

I think my dad must have said that to a lot of people.  Because everywhere I go, I see lots of people working themselves into a frenzy trying to raise money for short-term needs.  At the end of the day they didn't raise enough and everyone was exhausted.  But at least they looked busy!

I've been kind of grumbling most of my career about fund-raisers.  I typically just don't like them for while, yes, they raise some money most of the money is pretty valueless in terms of its long-term developmental impact.  Better to raise one dollar from a friend who believes in your mission and has confidence in your ability to accomplish it than to raise five dollars from selling (not so good) candy bars!

But . . . and there is a "but" here, some fund-raisers do have developmental value.  And before you give up on me totally, listen carefully:  the value may not be in the money that is raised from a fun-raiser as much as the potential tangible impact that it can have on a comprehensive development program.

Fund-raisers should be evaluated in light of two very practical things: (1) can you through the fund-raiser get "qualified" names to add to your database? and (2) even if you could, what is the percentage of likelihood that those fund-raising participants could be converted into a rational donor?  

A "qualified" prospect is someone with some kind of linkage to your organization.  It could be a relative of a client, an employer of a company where an employee benefits from your services, a member of a church that gains value from your work, or just a friend or neighbor of someone related to your organization.  Name acquisition is the starting line in development. Relationships can only be created when they are focused on someone, and fund-raisers may be a means through which some will come to know you.

Conversion, in a development conversation, defines what happens when someone moves from an emotional relationship to a rational one.  Most fund-raisers appeal to the emotion. When my little neighbor girl comes to my door to sell Girl Scout cookies, I break the bank. Is it because I love the Girl Scouts?  Is it because I know their incredible mission, that I totally believe in it and am absolutely confident that they can change the world?  Heavens no.  I just like my neighbor girl and don't really mind the cookies.   And even if the Girl Scouts of America could get the name and address of everyone who purchased cookies, the cost of trying to shift the relationship from an emotional one to a rational one would probably be cost prohibitive. 

So, is there such a thing as a good fund-raiser? 

Yes, there really is.  A fund-raiser that generates good names that you might never get from anything you're currently doing is a good fund-raiser.  Auctions are good if they are strategically focused on ultimately developing support among organizations and service providers in a community.  Golf Tournaments can be good if they are organized with the intent of identifying, cultivating, and seeking to engage business leaders in a community.  And jogs, walks, and a variety of other type "thons" can be helpful if they are part of a comprehensive strategy to meaningful engage fringe prospects into active partners in our work.  

It's important to remember, however, that even "good" fund-raisers can end up being bad if the event is looked at as an end in itself.  Everything should move in development.  And the destination is always a fulfilling, life-long partnership with people who choose to walk with us on the journey of fulfilling a vision rooted in a solid and worthwhile mission. 

Oh, by the way, sales are horrible fund-raisers.  They consume great amounts of energy and the only thing left when the fund-raiser is over is money that will never be replicated apart from the next sales event.  Food for thought.

The Problem with Leadership

I really find it difficult to be a leader.

Oh, I don't walk around trying to convince people that I'm worth following.  In fact, if anything, I really make greater efforts to avoid any pretense of even wanting to lead anything.  And yet I get phone calls and emails from people who tell me that they followed some direction I gave them and I begin to feel uncomfortable. 

Now some of you can relate to all of this and others are beginning to have any perceptions you might have had of me confirmed.  But if you've spent any time in the New Testament epistle of James, perhaps you can understand some of my concern.  James, thought by many to be the brother of Jesus, writes: "Let not many of you become teachers, my brethren, knowing that as such we will incur a stricter judgment" (James 3:1).  

I think every time someone tells me that they have followed some instruction I have given, I shutter.  I always think of this verse.  The organizations I work with are good organizations, making huge differences in the lives of others, and now they're listening to me.  Yikes!

Well this morning I was reading in Luke 5.  It's Dr. Luke's account of a time in Jesus' ministry when, after providing some rich instruction to the crowds that were constantly pressing around Him to hear "the word of God," he suggested to Simon that he take his boat and go out into the deep water and go fishing.  The problem as Peter saw it was that he had just spent most of the night doing just that.  It wasn't a good night of fishing!  

Peter shared what he and his buddies had done and then stated, "I will do as you say . . ." (Luke 5:5).  It was kind of like me saying, "OK, I've done this before but if you insist . . . "  

I was sitting out at a picnic table in my backyard as the sun was just creeping over the horizon as I read this.  Peter was a follower here, although he would later become an extraordinary leader.  I grabbed a sheet of paper and wrote on the top of it:  The Value and Freedom of Following.  Here's what I wrote:

"As a follower you really don't have to worry about much of anything.  Someone who has been there before has done all of that!  As a follower I can enjoy the journey.  I can look around and enjoy the scenery and have the freedom of enjoying the community of others who are following with me.  Along the way, the leader provides commentary on what I'm seeing and why it's so important.  After all, he's been there before, he knows the obstacles and he also knows the best vistas where you can gain the best perspectives."

I let my imagination run for a while.  And I came to realize that even as a "leader" I must learn to follow.  And that really is the joy of it all; following Someone who has gone before.  

There's a million lessons here for all of us.  I'm reading something all the time because I want to learn more, I talk to people each time I am granted opportunity to get their perspectives of the troubling issues I confront daily, I ask lots of questions and I try to listen intently for the grains of truth that will help me to get better.  

And I'm trying to follow God's leading in my life, reading His Word regularly, posing to Him my most private concerns, and listening to what He has to tell me.  

We're all leaders to someone.  I want to be a better one but I've come to believe that whatever impact I might have as a leader will be proportional to how well I've followed.  Food for thought.

"Yes" is a Good Word

When feeling somewhat exasperated with me, Sue (my wife) will often say, "You know Jerry, you just live in your own world!"   My reply is often with a tentative smile, "You know, you're right. And it's a great world I live in. You ought to join me there sometime!"

Let me share with you something about my world.  In my world, I have never expected anyone to say "no" to me.  You're probably rolling your eyes about now and perhaps wondering how I tend to deal with rejection for, certainly, people must have said "no" many times over the past sixty plus years!

And you're right.  I've had several respond to my appeal with a "no" answer.  I tend to be pretty sensitive and I really don't like the feeling that accompanies rejection.  And, there still remains a part of me that is surprised when it happens.  My conclusion is simply, "I just didn't give them enough opportunities to say "yes!"  

Amidst this rather mundane story there is an important development lesson.  

When someone says "no" to a request for help, in whatever form that appeal might present itself, it represents more than just a simple rejection; their response closes a door.  And once the door is closed for whatever reason, it is always much harder the next time to jar it open!

Here's my point, when you talk with individuals about your important work, suggest to them a variety of ways in which they can be involved.  Don't focus on money, focus on ways in which they might partner with you in your endeavors.

I like to phrase it something like this, "Often when I talk to people about my work, I find that they are curious about ways in which they can share in what we do.  Let me share with you 5-6 ways you can plug into what we're doing."  I'll share with them a list, often printed in a brochure or card, that will list several ways.  And there will always be something that they could easily say "yes" if they had the slightest interest in my work.  

Think of ways in which people could be involved.  They could pray for you, they could elect to receive a "free" VIP e-mail briefing, they could subscribe to a quarterly newsletter, they could become a "representative" for your organization in their church, business, or service club, etc. The list is endless. 

"Yes" keeps the door of opportunity open.  It takes time to build life-long relationships.

Targets and Partners

In the world of development there are two kinds of people:  targets and partners.  

There's a humorous cartoon drawn by Gary Larson that depicts three deer at a water hole.  One huge buck has a distinguishing birthmark that looks remarkably like a target.  One of the deer looks up and says, "That's a heck of a birthmark, Hal!"  

Imagine Hal, walking through the forest in the crosshairs of every hunter; not a very pleasant place to be!  Unfortunately, our profession tends to produce lists of individuals who we feel might have an interest in supporting our organization.  We write their name down and begin to treat them like a hunter in search or prey.  They're simply targets we've identified.  We know little about them, their interests, and their passions.  

Let's face it, most everyone that supports us was once a target.  Someone told us about them and we jotted their name down.  But in the process of building relationships something changed; they moved from being simply another name on the database to become a critical partner in enabling us to fulfill a common vision.

Partners just don't automatically become partners.  They need to be invited.  And that's an intricate developmental process that takes time and some concentrated attention.  There's a sacrifice involved and there's benefit to be realized. 

Here's an idea--why don't you schedule a meeting with someone this week.  It could be a luncheon, a visit at a local bistro, or just a casual conversation.  Get to know the individual be asking questions like, "What is really important to you?" Take the time to focus totally on them.  Learn to ask questions, try to "get inside" someone; to really understand them and what makes them tick.

As a relationship develops there will come an opportunity where you might choose to ask another question, a question that might go something like this, "can you help me to understand the things I might do that could be effective in capturing the imagination of people like you?" Listen carefully to what is being told you.  And focus on the pronouns!  If there ever comes a time when someone says, "we could do this," or "I could help you here . . . " then you know something very developmentally significant just happened--you've gained a partner!

Not everyone can give money.  But everyone can give something.  See people as God sees them, seek to identify and cultivate their giftedness, and help them find a place where they can use their gifts to impact the kingdom of God.  Maybe it will be in partnership with you!